OOTD… Again.

I am starting to actually get ready more! Go me! Little by little I can feel myself feeling normal again and it’s pretty comforting. A really good friend of mine reminded me to really feel and deal with my pain but not to let it define me- that stuck out to me a lot. I don’t want to let it consume me because I do have a life to be thankful for and to live because I AM alive and I AM okay. 

So! Anyways! I had a casual girls night over at a friends house & this is what I wore! 

  
I am almost always very casual in how I dress but I also love being stylish and comfortable. You’ll almost never see me wearing any tight shirts or in crop tops etc-that’s just not me. 

So, I opted for some medium wash skinny jeans from Nordstrom and my Nine West tall black boots because they go with everything and are so comfortable. I decided on a black and white baseball type shirt from PINK that’s super loose fitting and the material is SO comfy. Scarves are now a great way to add just a little something to an outfit and a little warmth too. I chose a light pink chunky infinity scarf to kinda break up some of the black and I don’t like to be matching completely.  I hadn’t washed my hair in a few days and there was no way it was gonna be brushed or worn down…. Soooo the mom top knot happened. Go figure 😂 

Havens OOTD🎀

  Not gonna lie- I want this outfit. We had a fun fair day out last weekend and haven looked so cute!….. And grown up 😫  she is wearing a white 3/4 shirt that has lace on the top portion of the shirt. It’s adorable and was from Fred Meyer actually! She’s wearing a light blue jean vest (Oshkosh)  over it that was a hand me down, and some adorable camo pants(carters)  that we cuffed cause she’s wearing booties, duh 😜 her light brown booties are from Gymboree and were only 12.00!  And her outfit is topped off with the best accessory- a top knot😍 I love mixing patterns or colors that one might not think of right away as “matching” but as you can see taking some risks and just playing around with things can pay off. 

OOTD💗

  
It’s time to dress for fall!!! I love it ❤️ as everyone knows, being a mom you’re on the go a lot! Haven and I had an appointment at 9:30 15 minutes away and we slept in til almost 8 o clock! That almost never happens…. So we had to get ready quickly this AM. But that’s okay because it’s so easy to throw together an outfit like this thats comfy and cute. Black leggings with some tall Nine West boots with the comfiest gray sweater I just got from old navy for only 10 bucks!! They have it in quite a few colors I am actually planning to go get more! And to top it off…AND add color as I love to do- I added a blue big chunky scarf. Super easy and functional! 

Slowly getting back to normal.

Yesterday was my first day being home alone with Haven and trying to go back to our normal routine. I had no help like I’ve had for the last week and a half… And part of me loved it & part of me was really uncomfortable with it. I wasn’t uncomfortable with it because I physically can’t do things- I’m pretty much feeling back to normal physically besides my incision site feeling super bruised and the constant bleeding that accompanies my day (TMi? Sorry.) I was uncomfortable because it means that life has to go back to normal….. I am no longer pregnant and I am suppose to just live my days as if nothing traumatic had just happened to me. People make me feel like because I’m physically healing/healed that I must be healed emotionally and that is so not the case. I couldn’t even start to touch on what I’ve been dealing with emotionally until all my physical pain was over and now that that is Just now starting to be the case- now I have to really face the ugly truth of the emptiness and anger I feel. I completely feel betrayed by my body for not being able to do what it’s made for- and I feel guilt for losing my husbands child. I feel… A lot. And it’s a jumbled mess that feels like a puzzle with 10483739393 pieces that I have NO IDEA where to start to piece it all back together. 
But for every negative there’s a positive right? My positive was that I actually made my family dinner last night. I am slowly getting back into my role as mom/wife and I have to admit it did feel good to not feel so useless like I’ve been feeling the last two weeks.

I made ricotta spinach and mozzarella stuffed jumbo shells. They were delicious 😍 

  
I made the shells ahead of time and let them cool. Then mixed together 2 cups ricotta cheese 1 cup mozzarella cheese and half a cup of green onions. I put a few handfuls of spinach in as well just because I like hiding veggies and greens in however I can. Then stuffed the shells with the mixture in a 13×9 pan that had a little sauce on the bottom. Baked at 360 coveted for 35 minutes. Then baked an extra 10 uncovered with drizzled cheese on top. 

So easy, and delicious. My kind of meal 😎

Life isn’t always pretty…..

Most of my posts are usually about my outfits and fashion advice, an easy recipe for us busy moms, or just my journey maneuvering through motherhood. Every once in  a while though, life throws us curve balls that we cannot comprehend why they have to happen to us. For anyone that knows me…its been pretty obvious that Garrett and I were wanting to expand our family after the wedding. We were OVER THE MOON when we found out that August 24 that dream was coming true. I couldn’t believe it had happened so fast, and I was so ecstatic. It felt like I was finally going to feel complete by adding that last baby to our family. Flashes of the future were constantly flashing through my mind of Haven and her new sibling and witnessing what that new bond was going to look like and how it was going to  make me feel. I could not wait to see how different this pregnancy was vs Haven and I just felt; elated.

The excitement continued for a week or so and I just wasn’t feeling…right. I am not sure how to necessarily word it but I just felt off. Fear of miscarriage was constantly running through my mind and I kept trying to talk myself down..to stay calm and not stress my body out. I finally went to the ER one Friday night when I was woken from a sleep with painful cramping. To make a long story short; they did not see anything in my uterus and said I was high risk for ectopic but also said it could just be too early so we made an appointment for bloodwork and ultrasound that next week. GREAT NEWS. My HCG levels had been doubling and when we went in for my ultrasound there was a gestational sac in my uterus. A wave of relief crashed over me after a torturous weekend of waiting around not knowing what was going on with my baby. I got a call later that day saying my sac looked irregular and that the dr was still concerned for ectopic so I was placed on bedrest because of course the risk of rupture if it were ectopic was high and they did not want that to happen. They made me an appointment for 6 days out and said to take it easy.

I had no idea how I was suppose to just take it easy for SIX DAYS not knowing if at any moment my fallopian tubes could rupture…i could go into shock..I could bleed out… I had a daughter at home with me to think about too and was just a mess. I felt so confused emotionally and just was so stressed,so worried, but still tried to stay positive everything was going to be okay. I had already had a miscarriage in 2011 and did not want to go through that loss again. Garrett and I wanted this baby so badly..SO BAD that I thought there is no way this could be taken from us.

On Friday  I got another call…they said they were pretty sure it was an intrauterine pregnancy and that things looked decently okay for now. I could be off bed rest but to still try to take it easy til my next appointment now 4 days away. Again, I was elated. I felt relieved and thought as if I wasnt appreciative for this baby before- I definitely am now.

And then Saturday happened. I had cramps on and off all day that were painful but I just shook it off as stretching pains or maybe looking back I was in denial; I dont really know but by 8pm I couldnt even breathe they hurt so bad. I was screaming and didn’t move off the stairs because walking hurt so bad. G and I went back to ER where the entire waiting room was full and I was told to wait. They took my blood levels and vitals and said I looked stable from that standpoint. I was SURE something had ruptured because I had never experienced pain like that. Then about 40 minutes later….my hearing went out…the room went foggy and grey and then it was like a light went out. The nurse came back over and said I did not look good- my blood pressure had completely dropped and apparently I had lost all color in my face.

I was finally taken back and after four more hours…. I was told I was getting taken to the OR. I was having surgery. I was in shock…I have never been in this type of situation and felt so many emotions. Immediate grief of losing this baby I wanted so badly….immediate anger of why this was happening to me..fear of going into surgery knowing that I was bleeding out into my stomach at that moment and not knowing what was going to happen. It was 2AM and it was just Garrett and I. What if I dont wake up and never see my husband or daughter again? I had 100 million questions RACING through my mind but had no time because within 15 minutes I was in a bright shiny white room on a table with tons of people racing all around me with tables full of instruments laid out.

I woke up….my eyes werent open but I was awake and could hear. All I could comprehend and think about was the pain. I hurt so bad like I had just had a C-section but that my entire stomach was bruised as well. Thats the only words I could get out was how bad I hurt. I was thankful to be alive and awake….but I was so angry and sad at the same time.

I in fact had an ectopic pregnancy in my right fallopian tube that had ruptured to the point of no repair..I had my right fallopian tube removed and had bled out filling my abdominal cavity/stomach full of blood….a lot of blood. I was so pale…and hurt..and felt empty knowing I had just had an organ removed.The organ that was holding my baby.

I am thankful my chances of having children are still okay but I am still just now trying to sort through my emotional thoughts. The week of recovering was hard.  I felt so unprepared for this.. that it really overwhelmed me. My mom and mother in law had to completely drop their lives for a week to cater to Haven and I. I hated that I couldn’t care for my own daughter who has no idea or the maturity to understand why I can’t hold her or hug her or be with her. I hated that feeling even though I appreciated them. Why did this have to happen?! Why Me…. I wasn’t and don’t feel sorry for myself, its just so hard to swallow why bad things happen to good people. Maybe I am getting punished for some wrong I committed in the past…or maybe it just wasn’t the right time for us- but for now I cant say I have come to some great realization of why this happened. I am still hurt..and upset.deeply sad….and grieving.

I don’t feel myself. Everyday I come around a little bit more…or I put on a strong face for my husband and especially for my daughter because that is my job…but I feel far from being released of the negative energy that consumes my mind and body right now.  I have gone through a miscarriage and that loss is a hard one to overcome… but it feels nothing like the physical pain I have endured and feeling like I had to get this ripped from me in such a traumatic way.

This post is personal..and I thought a lot on whether or not I wanted to share it or not, but the fact is I wanted to start this blog to show the realities of a young mom..and all its triumphs and struggles that come along with it. This is it. Life is not always great and happy- it can be pretty damn hurtful and unfair..and this was my month to really realize that.

OOTD ❤️

  After a rough few days of not wanting to do much but lay around.. Garrett and I had some plans with friends and I actually decided to get ready. For such a simple outfit I actually really loved this one. It was a casual night so I opted for some black leggings which are a huge staple in my wardrobe because you can seriously wear anything with them. Dress them up or down. I paired them with a loose black off the shoulder t shirt. I chose a gold chained necklace with a black crystal/rock on it. To break up all the black I chose the dark brown tall boots to also tie in the gold in the necklace. I straightened my hair and just wore it down and wore some nude lipstick. Wa-La. Easy but put together outfit 101 👏 

yummy in my tummy.

ACAI BREAKFAST BOWL.

so freaking good. so freaking healthy…and the best part; so freaking easy.

I blended up organic acai juice, frozen strawberries, raspberries, blueberries, and pomegranate seeds (frozen or fresh is fine) so that it was pretty thick.  Pour that into a bowl and top with chia seeds, diced almonds, shredded coconut, fresh diced strawberries, and a drizzle of honey.

THAT IS IT. thank me later.

Don’t Judge Me

These words famously come out of all mother’s mouths allllll the time, and yet in SO many instances, that is exactly what were all doing to each other. It is awful, and sad, but the depressing reality of society today. We have all been brought up (most of us) to bring women down in order to bring ourselves up and feel better, but that is so backwards. I have learned the value of bringing other women up and in doing so, have felt so great and confident in myself. Motherhood is HARD fucking work. For real. We all know that, and yet we judge others on their mishaps or bad days or that poor decision they made. I have made a huge conscious effort to really try to stop the judgement. We are all trying our very best to do what we can for our children the best we know how. As long as we take those weak moments, and we can identify them and grow from them, I think that is such a triumph; not something to judge someone else for.

We do not know it all. Not even a little bit and could learn so much more from each other if we would stop the inner judging of other women and mothers, and start building each other up because when that happens, not only are we improving the type of women we are, but we are also improving the mothering that is going on and every child is deserving of that.

OOTD ♥

I’M BACK. yes, you read that correctly. I am working my absolute HARDEST to be more consistent writing because I truly do love it, and because it is helpful to me to get thoughts out and in my fantasy; that I am helping even one person understand more about everyday mom fashion and how it doesn’t always have to be drabby and frumpy!

So, this was such a fun day to dress because it was a drastic change of weather from the shorts, tank tops, dresses, etc that I was used to wearing the last 3 months+ to total fall weather clothing. I LOVE dressing for fall. I love the plaids, and the jeans, the leggings, the big comfy sweaters, and by far; I LOVE BOOTS. I don’t think you can have enough boots! This day I went for a pretty casual outfit pairing some dark skinny jeans with a baggy type black graphic T. I wore some high riding style black boots and to add a pop of color I wore a bright coral beanie. Adding a pop of color when wearing lots of dark colors is a great statement idea to really make an outfit stand out!

Don’t mind me; totally taking outfit selfies in my daughter’s room. Hey! These days she cannot leave my side, so I’ll take what I can get.  Here again, you can see that fall style is totally coming back. I wore some black leggings, a long brown tank and wore a very comfy big chunky sweater over it. This is very “fall”.  Again, I used the sweater this time to add some color to a very dark paletted outfit. I also threw on this gold chained necklace with a black crystal on it. Accessories ALWAYS add to an outfit. I always wear SOMETHING…drop earrings, long necklaces, layered necklaces, statement necklaces; anything! I brought the outfit together with some tall brown riding style boots.  There you go! 🙂

This was taken a few days ago but I just love it. Blue is such a great color for her to wear because it looks great on her skin tone and makes her eyes pop. She is wearing some charcoal grey skinny pants with some adorable white flowered sandals. I put on this fun blue tank top that had the greys and whites in and topped it all off with what?! An accessory! She is wearing a blue and white polka-dotted bow to add some fun to the outfit.